Realization

My best friend wrote this blog in regards to her estranged Brother. It's a good lesson in forgiveness, and I thought I would share her blog for you!

A blog I wrote...
"Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens" Current mood: disappointed

I just woke up from my normal, daily nap, where this time my dream was so real, so vivid that I can't seem to get it out of my head. The dream was of my brother, Daniel. Physically, I have not seen him in a long time. I haven't heard his voice or has he even bothered to let us know he is breathing and doing okay. Ever since he excluded us out of his life I have not had a dream of him. I think about him often, even though my anger tries to keep me from caring.

I went to parent's home to pick up mail and there he was standing there. I had my daughter in my arms and he preceded to ask me if he could hold her. Having the resentment I have towards him at the moment I made it a point to cry and say no. I saw him packing his things as though he had been there but was going to leave again. I asked where he was going and he said he didn't know. It's as if all of my anger left me and I asked him to stay. I knew how hurt my family has been since he excluded us and I didn't want to continue that feeling. He told me he couldn't, that it was Wednesday night. I asked him what that meant and he told me he had been through plenty of things on his journey that I wouldn't understand. In true Daniel fashion, he had yet again managed to confuse me.

I then asked him to stay at my home and he said no. He walked out the door and I never knew where he left to or if he was going to be okay or if he was ever coming back. It was almost at that moment I woke up and Cayslee was laying on me, still sleeping, I immediately stood up as though I felt like he was here, at my home. I realized it was late and I had only been dreaming. I can't really describe the feeling I felt at that moment. I just sort of felt like my heart had dropped. Again.

Now, I can't seem to get him off my mind. I just want to talk with him, a good conversation, the way we used to. No confusion, no anger, no distance. I know now, it'll never happen that way again. I feel as though maybe, this dream was a way for me to say goodbye. I try so hard to be so angry at him and in reality I miss him, I want him in my life. I just never expected that dream and I never expected to have it stir up the feelings it did. I wish there was a way to go back and change them, not the things I did in life but the things I did in my dream.

I would have let him hold Cayslee, for as long as he liked.

Two Dots

My girlfriend from work has a six year old son who is a hoot. He is a typical little boy...he test the waters of his mothers patience, gets in trouble for miner infractions at school, talks to much...the general stuff that every little boy does. Her son's name is Nate, and he is about 3 foot 6 inches with sandy blonde hair and big old dimples, just a cutie! Anyway, Nate goes to a private school and one of his teaches uses a discipline system she made up called, DOTS to inform parents of any time that their child acted out in class and when warned to stop continued ect...So Nate got 2 dots last week at school. One dot was for throwing balls at another little boy during playtime even after the teacher repeatdidly asked him to stop, and the other was for standing on the urinal in the boys bathroom. The teacher puts these DOTS on a progress report that the student is then told to take home and have signed each weekend by his parents. Nate took his home last weekend and his mother told him that she would discuss his punishment with his father later own and that they would let him know when they decided something proper for it. Now in the past, they have asked Nate what he thinks his punishment should be...he has gotten smart of course and usually thinks of something that he no longer plays with that should be taken away. Last month he told his mom that he thought she should take his scooter away from him for awhile...Brandi said that Nate has not used his scooter once all winter. It has cobb webbs growing from the handle bars in the basement. :)(Kids, they are so smart!) Brandi and her husband naturally never agree on the punishment for Nate. Her husband always wants to take Nate's TV away for a very long time...which means he does not have anything to watch or any video games to play either. Torture for a 6 year old if you ask me. Brandi suggested that her husband make Nate clean the baseboards around the house...So the time comes for Brandi's husband to deliver the punishment and he decides to make a deal with Nate. No TV or games for a month or he can chose to clean all the baseboards around the house upstairs and downstairs everyday when he gets home from school and it has to be done before dad returns home from work as well as NO TV for the evening. Brandi said Nate just stood there speechless and in shock. The only thing he could think to say was, "what if I'm not finished by the time you get home from work daddy?" Brandi's husband just replyed that they would cross that mountain if the time came. He then asked Nate which punishement he wanted. Nate said he would choose the baseboards and he gulped, and turned around with a look a defeated football player. Brandi said that her husband then turned to face her and put his thumb up as if asking, "how was that punishment honey?" Brandi looked at him and said, "you're pchycotic!" His reply was, "well, the baseboards were your idea!" Brandi says, " I meant that he had to do the downstairs once and that was it!" Haha..so much for boundaries huh! I heard that story and just died of laughter. I would hate to clean baseboards everyday for a week, but I guess when your six years old the thought of losing your TV and video games for a month is a lot more grave. ***NOTE TO SELF***never let husband assign punishement to our child! hehe

Why is every womens story..."I used to be skinny!"

My girlfriend and I were joking the other day about, what other than...those pesky pounds that somehow over night just appeared on our waist and hips, and she gave me the idea to write this blog. Honestly, I can not think of one woman who is ideally content with her size. (If there is one out there that you can think of...do me a favor, bitch slap her because I am willing to bet money on it that she thinks she needs to lose ten pounds.) I have one friend who is teeny tiny skinny and actually thinks her butt looks fat. She complained about it a few months ago infront of me and I almost died of laughter...i just could not help but think, "honey, if you think your butt looks fat, then mine must look like the state of Texas!" I wonder what she thinks mine looks like? haha.

Anyway, So I used to be skinny. You know, a typical gymnist. 4"10 and 105 lbs, always a little stocky since I was solid muscle. Well, somewhere between a bum ex, no money, changing jobs, chocolate cake, moving several times, more chocolate cake, discovering a new taste for good beer, deaths in the family, chocolate cake, family drama, parents with cancer, more chocolate cake, not working out like i used too, school to focus on, deadlines, and more chocolate cake I managed to gain almost 20 pounds in three years! Yuck!

So I look in the mirror everyday and I'm a little pissed at myself, and I know I am not the only one, but lets face it ladies...we really have got to give ourselves more credit already. I mean, life happens and suddenly we realize we don't look like we did when we were 17, but we have loving husbands to show for it, maybe children to show for it, a home, finances, good friends, family, and honestly is fitting back into our prom dress suddenly going to make our lives better. Probably not! So lets first work on our self esteem and understand that life happens and weight can always be fixed it's just finding time to do it in. We're all beautiful women who each bring something different to the table whether it is our ability to cook a feast, host and entertain, make everyone laugh, save a life, be the mother who your children worship, or the best wife ever...whatever the case...we all need superwoman buttons! Bottom line, let's not be so down on ourselves. So have another glass of beautiful curves and relax. One day, someone will invent a magic pill that we can take and the fat will melt away! :) Until then...I think I'll have a beer when I get home!

THE BIG SCAN!

01/08/08

Preston's parents are coming into town tonight because his dad is having an operation tomorrow. The doctors are going to go into his pancreas and cut the nerves that supply the pain. Basically, his dad will no longer be feeling any of the pain that the cancer is causing that the morphine can not treat. I have reservations about this procedure though. I mean I don't want him to be in pain of course, but pain can be a red flag sometimes that something is not working properly. Preston's father would not even know he had cancer had he not felt the pain. It just seems like if they go in and snip, how does he know when something is going on down there that is not normal if he can't feel it. Oh well, maybe I can get more info tomorrow on this procedure. Right now it is worrying me!

Just wanted to let you all know that Preston's dad had "the BIG scan" yesterday and they find out the results today at 11:00 AM. Preston is going to meet his parents and sister at the hospital and call me with the news. This scan is going to show the size of the tumor and the results after the 28 days of radiation. Please keep Preston's father in your prayers. We just hope the tumor has shrunk enough to operate on and hopefully remove. I'll update this later own with the results.

The results: 1:30 PM

Ended up being pretty good I think. they could not tell if the tumor had shrunk enough yet due to the scarring from the radiation, but they could tell that the mass has not grown in size or moved to the surrounding organs. That means it is responding to the treatment and next week the doctor will go down the throat through the stomach and visually be able to tell the size of the tumor. Preston's dad seemed pleased with the results so far and they are going to put him on an experimental chemo after christmas. I'll update this as I go.

What's the Catch?

Everywhere you turn there seems to be a catchy marketing scheme to try and entice the average consumer to spend spend spend. You know the ones..."sign up here for a $50 Gift card," and then out of nowhere some clever salesman just talked you into buying a timeshare on the beach in FL for $500...you don't even like the beach! I hate those catch 22's! Congratulations you win a free IPOD...only if you agree to purchase 12 magazine subscriptions and give your email out to every marketing company clear across the continent! It's really irritating! All they do is make people feel sketchy about flyer's hung up in the mail room at work or on the bus...wherever. I don't how they make you feel, but i know I am not real trusting of the Catch 22. I always find myself saying..."So, what's the Catch!"

I told you all that to tell you all this....

My husband and I just fell for one! Honestly, we should know better! Clearly our curiosity has gotten the best of us! We have decided to go on a big health kick and try to get back into shape. Maybe go from round to a more skinnier round called Oval...lol

Anyway, We decided to break down and buy one of the Total Body Gym machines that Christy Brinkley and Chuck Norris endorse! It states that you can perform close to 80 different exercises on it without even leaving the house or changing out a weight! The machine is legit, that was not where we got screwed at...on the website, some clever chick in a Santa hat pops up and states that just for the holiday season for every 25th caller that calls in wins a Total Body Gym XLS...the mother load of gyms. A whopping $1700 price tag included! Anyway, to make a long story short, my husband called and 7 easy payments later and a total body gym that we had originally agreed to not purchase will be at our house in 1 - 2 weeks. I'm not mad at my husband though...turns out he was not the 25th caller and was talked into purchasing second best instead of the third best like we had agreed last night, but I gotta give it to him...had it been me that called, I probably would have been sold into buying the mother load of the gym which turns out to be a nice down payment on a ford focus. Not my husband, he would not be persuaded into purchasing that one. Good for him; however, we still fell for the scam! At least we have an investment in our health right? I'm sure this will not be the last piece of exercise equipment that we buy in our future, but we did learn our lesson! Don't call! They will sell you something you do not need...no matter what! Stick to ordering online. No face to face interaction or over the phone pushy salesmen...just the good old fashioned click of the mouse!