Realization

My best friend wrote this blog in regards to her estranged Brother. It's a good lesson in forgiveness, and I thought I would share her blog for you!

A blog I wrote...
"Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens" Current mood: disappointed

I just woke up from my normal, daily nap, where this time my dream was so real, so vivid that I can't seem to get it out of my head. The dream was of my brother, Daniel. Physically, I have not seen him in a long time. I haven't heard his voice or has he even bothered to let us know he is breathing and doing okay. Ever since he excluded us out of his life I have not had a dream of him. I think about him often, even though my anger tries to keep me from caring.

I went to parent's home to pick up mail and there he was standing there. I had my daughter in my arms and he preceded to ask me if he could hold her. Having the resentment I have towards him at the moment I made it a point to cry and say no. I saw him packing his things as though he had been there but was going to leave again. I asked where he was going and he said he didn't know. It's as if all of my anger left me and I asked him to stay. I knew how hurt my family has been since he excluded us and I didn't want to continue that feeling. He told me he couldn't, that it was Wednesday night. I asked him what that meant and he told me he had been through plenty of things on his journey that I wouldn't understand. In true Daniel fashion, he had yet again managed to confuse me.

I then asked him to stay at my home and he said no. He walked out the door and I never knew where he left to or if he was going to be okay or if he was ever coming back. It was almost at that moment I woke up and Cayslee was laying on me, still sleeping, I immediately stood up as though I felt like he was here, at my home. I realized it was late and I had only been dreaming. I can't really describe the feeling I felt at that moment. I just sort of felt like my heart had dropped. Again.

Now, I can't seem to get him off my mind. I just want to talk with him, a good conversation, the way we used to. No confusion, no anger, no distance. I know now, it'll never happen that way again. I feel as though maybe, this dream was a way for me to say goodbye. I try so hard to be so angry at him and in reality I miss him, I want him in my life. I just never expected that dream and I never expected to have it stir up the feelings it did. I wish there was a way to go back and change them, not the things I did in life but the things I did in my dream.

I would have let him hold Cayslee, for as long as he liked.